OK so I am just going to vent for a second, then I will SHUT UP! Yesterday I made some eggs for breakfast for Aspen & I. It takes at least twice as long for me to do anything like that anymore, but no milk for cereal makes you desperate! I got them all scrambled and Aspen dished up and on the table safely. Then I dished mine up and sat them on my lap to move to the table (I was in the wheel chair) and dumped them on the floor. I was so mad after all that work that I scooped them up off the floor & ate them anyway! Not the 1st time, I did it with cheerios the other day, fortunately I hadn't added milk yet and no I didn't eat them, I just left them there for someone to vacuum up. That's just the beginning. I went to the store to buy a gallon of milk, thankfully Aspen was there to carry it, because once I got there I didn't know how to get it to the counter to pay. How do you push a vacuum in a wheel chair or on crutches? How do you carry anything on crutches? How do you put dishes away, or worse wipe off the counter? These are a few of the instigators for my breakdowns. Yes I have had my share of them, I feel like an emotional wreck. I told Shawn the other day, if I had depressive tendencies I would be there because I feel so inadequate as a mom.
ON THE BRIGHT SIDE....My leg is doing great. I have over 100% flex in my knee. The therapist says there is not much more she can do for me until I can start bearing weight. 2-3 more weeks, I am at least 1/2 way there. It is still really tight and I have to work at it every day to keep it loose. The 1st couple of bends are the worst then the muscles stretch. You hear of having to retrain your body when damage is done to nerves or brain function, but it is something I never could have understood until I laid on the bed telling my leg to do something with nothing happening. I literally have to focus everything on telling my quad to stay tight and help lift my leg, then wait for the leg to listen. This is because during surgery they put a tournaquet on just above your knee to keep you from bleeding to death. The problem comes that after being cut off my muscles (mainly quad & hamstring) just decided to quit working. I have to retrain them to work again, this is so important because although the ACL keeps my knee from shifting, it is those two muscles that hold everything together and keep it from happening again. Our bodies are amazing, we tell it to do something without even knowing we are telling it to. It was not until those receptors were not functioning that I realized how amazing that is. I am so grateful for my health. I realize that my knee problem is nothing compared to what many others have to go through and I am grateful for that but also it has helped me to feel empathy for others. I actually cried during the conference talk on the relief society and welfare system. My ward has been amazing. They have shown so much love and concern over the past two 3 weeks. They brought in dinners for 2 1/2 weeks, some of them took Aspen for a few hours or picked things up at the grocery. Berta came on the run after a breakdown & call from me and did my dishes and made a run to the store for some plastic utensils and other things to make our life easier. We don't have a dish washer or microwave yet, they are both broken, and no money to buy new ones. Hopefully with our tax returns. The scary thing is as the talks mentioned that these things are for our learning and experience and to prepare us for the future, I had a scary thought about a calling that may be in my future. That gold at the end of the rainbow I mentioned last blog. I have lost 5 lbs, gained lots of patience, learning love & gratitude for all I have such as my husband, driving (I drove for the 1st time in 4 weeks, it was awesome), my kids, my friends & family, the hot tub (I sat in it for the 1st time this morning), heat blankets, and so much more.
Well hopefully I didn't complain to much, I am trying so hard not to.
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